now what?

At this point of my life, i srsly have no idea wads the purpose of my existence. 

Just a maid perhaps ; change bedlinen evry 2-3wks, do/fold laundry as & when, vacuum evry 2-3 days, replace empty toiletries bottles in the toilet (koz nobody else does it and evrybodys jz farking lazy to lift a god-damned finger), gg out on wkends wld depend if husband is tired or sick but then we wld have no specific plans. Head out to run errands, or movies, or fam gatherings. My "big plan for the day" for me wld be like, Hairwash Day, or when i do curated gifts. Thats my level of excitement these days.

If we klua, he'd be sleeping in cinemas, koz hes tired.

Or go mkn, with very little mutual communication, koz either hes mentally occupied with work on his fone, or watchin vids on fone. 

And he works 6-7 days a wk.

Me? Very ded. Very dry. Very lonely.

All i do is play hp games daily, watch my shows, watch live shopping & wait for my items to arrive, eat-sleep-shit-repeat. Very dry.

Idk if i wana cry or be pissed that THIS IS MY LIFE now.

I wana work with live auctioners, but they are usually located at woodlands area which is far, and they end very late (which is fine with me but i doubt husband is fine abt it.) Bummer. Hais.

At this point of life, given all the farking preggy times and miscarriages that God had joked upon me, im not sure if i wana have a kid anymore. Like, wad will i be missing out really? More chores to do, and things to handle, to look into, to worry abt, its tiresome enuff as it is now.

We are awaiting for aug in abt 2 wks time, to get rolling abt our sbf flat selection etc.

Thats gona be a major headache to look forward to.

Koz stayin at inlaws for 3yrs is way overdue.

And my eyes & ears are bleeding from watching the bias-ness in the hse, and the lack of firm parenting gg on. Annoyed. But hafta shut up and accept it is wad it is.

SO, SIS CANT WAIT TO FINALLY PACK ALL STUFFS & SHUFFLEDANCE OUTTA HERE.

a lonesome world.

Pregnancy, is lonely.

Miscarriage, is lonelier.

Post-miscarriage, is the loneliest.

I have a husband. But he aint there for me. Physically, yes he follows me to all appts. But he dont really pay attention to wadeva the doc says. Confront him abt his "bocap" demeanour, pointless. Hes gonna be defensive. He said, he was waiting for me to talk abt it. coz i was sad. MY FOOT. I cant help myself when tears ran down my cheeks when i had to do the blood test. The nurse asked me wads wrong. Strangers are more concerned k! The 1st thing he did when we got home, was watch some food plcs video & look thru his work schedule. Not one time husband asked if i was ok, or address my sadness, not even a god damned hug!

Pathetic la ur life ca.

No one is "My Person". Sad truth.

All i hear from Dr Liu's mouth today is, im gonna be Childless-Not-By-Choice. Unless if ive thousands of $$ to burn for IVF + some dna thingy, to select only the good embroyos. Even IVF route doesnt gurantee a successful live birth. This is my 4th miscarriage. Even the doc honestly said she duno wad went wrong for this pregnancy. All in all, simply put it as im gonna be a Forever-Childless-Mother. Suddenly i didnt feel a single thing for today's blood test (for diabetes).

I always try to be better evry new day. Husnuzon. 

But, i srsly duno how i can do jz that. Im forever gonna be pregnancy-jealous person. Im forever gonna be a bitter ass. Im always gonna be hating on pple who bitch & whine abt being preggy, or having kids.

Hais. God played me good. Get my hopes all up high, to jz "loan" a bby to me for a mth or lesser. While all these hormone meds fucking up my skin, my physique, my perspective of life & questioning the purpose of my whole entire existence. 

Now what?

ugly me

39 soon. Still feels so alone. And empty. And ugly.

Husband's attitude confirms it for me. 😒😔

Its ok la caca.

U are beautiful. Just that its a secret. 🥰